Clay in His Hands

Lord, You are endlessly good.
I don’t deserve any of Your love and care
- yet I always come for more.
Begging, asking, praying, even whinging.
Your arm is not too short to save,
nor is Your ear too dull to hear.
But often my arm is too short to receive
or my ear too dull to hear
and that is not Your fault.
You keep reaching out to me
over, and over again.
For that I’m endlessly thankful
in my small, imperfect way.
I beg for mercy
for my lack of faith and patience
and I know You’re there with it.
Always.
Adonai, You alone are
my only hope and my true refuge.

-e-

Christmas is gone (I was sick), old year is gone. It’s into the new year…

Church is important. It says so in the letter to the Hebrews, too:

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)

I understand loyalty. But what if the church becomes too important? Can local church be an idol to a Christian?

What if church becomes an obligation – a compulsion? So that skipping a service for any reason is considered a sin?

I have seen that first hand. And let me tell you – it is not pretty.

-e-

“I’m tired of being tired.”

That was my huge sigh to God while taking my shower today. I’m tired of being tired. Tired of fighting the tiredness. I remember a time when I had enough energy to do all sorts of stuff and go places – and being “social” was no big deal. These days I don’t have enough brain capacity left to compose a blog post in the evening, I choose snoozing on the sofa instead of going anywhere – and being invited to someone’s house pretty much causes me to have a panic attack.

My blog being the way it’s been lately, I’ve seriously considered giving up blogging (again). Yes, I’ve thought about that before, too, and every time I’ve gotten a boost of writing a few posts so I’ve continued. Now I’m asking God what He would like me to do. After all, my last posts have finally been something to the direction I’ve always wanted my blog to go. Not there yet, but at least the direction has been right. So we’ll see what happens. I still haven’t gotten the answer.

Thinking of the tiredness – and a fellow Christian who’s been very much on my heart today – I looked up the word “tired” from Biblegateway. I found this:

2 Samuel 23:9-11 (NIV):
Next to him was Eleazar son of Dodai the Ahohite. As one of the three mighty warriors, he was with David when they taunted the Philistines gathered at Pas Dammim for battle. Then the Israelites retreated, but Eleazar stood his ground and struck down the Philistines till his hand grew tired and froze to the sword. The Lord brought about a great victory that day. The troops returned to Eleazar, but only to strip the dead.

“HIs hand grew tired and froze to the sword.” Do you know the feeling? You do something so enthusiastically/fiercely that your muscles go into a spasm and you end up with a hand like vulture’s claws? You don’t have enough strength to straighten your fingers – and if you try it hurts like crazy. Is that how far God wants us to go in the (spiritual) warfare? Use up our own strength so totally that we can’t even straighten our fingers (or lift our bottoms from the sofa) without His help? I don’t know. It feels and seems absurd – but maybe it is what He wants anyway. Not so that the few drops of our insignificant strength would be necessary or important to Him – but that they would finally be out of His way and we can’t mess things up with our own doings.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
(Isaiah 40:28-31 – NIV)

They will. It doesn’t say when but it does say that they will. Until that…

-e-

It’s been a while again since my last post. Life has been a bit hectic and that usually results in a blockage in my brain so that I’m not able to squeeze anything out of it. You know like a jar, when it’s too full of stuff it’s difficult to get anything out of it – and if you force it the jar just spits everything out at once.

I think today God’s people are in serious need of courage. Bad news are flooding form all over and they so easily get us down. I know that happens to me. Like yesterday, I was very tempted to be defeated sink into hopelessness: A friend of mine told me how she had been ruthlessly assaulted at work by a contractor’s representative. Then, in the evening I learned that another friend’s one-year-old grandchild had died this week, with no obvious reason. Just died while sleeping at night. Also, I’m worried about MIL.

Life is cruel. Really, really cruel. It would be so easy to lose one’s courage. And that will happen unless you’re careful. I know I need to constantly remind myself that God is in control. That we might lose some battles but Jesus has already won the war. Sometimes I break anyway, though. The wind is just too much and it presses me down because I don’t have the strength to resist it. And all my strength goes to resisting the wind when I really should use it to asking Jesus to calm the wind. And so I break.

But God is good. Somehow He is able to create beauty from brokenness. And it’s so true what they say: If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger. No, I don’t believe in becoming stronger in my own power. I believe in learning to trust God more and learning to lean in Him when the wind comes.

Someone’s beaten up, someone dies. One is hospitalized because of Alzheimer’s, one is depressed. And then, another life is born. In the midst of all this horror last night I became a great-aunt the second time when my sister’s daughter gave birth to a baby boy.

Life goes on.

-e-