Five months. I guess this is the longest break in my blogging history. I haven’t just felt like writing. Or yes, I have, but haven’t had the concentration needed to compose a post. So I’ve been kind of like writing in my head, loose sentences, or partial ones, scattered subjects, with a will to say something but not enough energy to make them materialize into posts.
A few of you have sent me messages in one way or the other. I do value those messages, they were really important to me. But I’ve been lousy even at answering them.
Today is my 23rd wedding anniversary. My one and only Mr Right is at church and I’m sitting at home, tired and with pain all over, listening to the rain hitting the window. Thinking how different life was 23 years ago, on that sunny day, and how differently I thought it would go. But here I am now, and this is my life, like it or not. Should I be given a chance, I don’t think I would switch anyway.
I didn’t get the husband I thought I would. But in a sense I got something better. And equally, I don’t think Mr Right got the wife he expected. Does he think he got something better? I don’t think so. I really don’t. And that makes me sad.
He grew up with two severely disabled brothers. Being the only healthy one must’ve been rough, in many ways. But when the boys both passed away a few years ago, it was a huge blow. He never said so, but I think he felt guilty again, this time for being the only one to survive. And now he lives with a burden of a no-good, worn out wife who looks like a 70-year old instead of less than 50 and only wears sweat pants at home because everything else hurts her skin.
I’m sorry my first post after the break is so depressing. Just that this is what’s on my mind today. And these days there isn’t much I’m capable of classifying enough to put them into words. You know, I didn’t even have a clue that my wedding anniversary was coming again, and it’s the very first time ever for that to happen! I actually would’ve forgotten it totally, if my Facebook didn’t remind me! So I can’t promise I’ll write more often. I might, but probably not. But as I said, I love all the notes I have received from any of you.