Messy Sink In The Kitchen Writing away through the curly road of life

Unexpected life

June 29, 2014 · Posted in Uncategorized

Five months. I guess this is the longest break in my blogging history. I haven’t just felt like writing. Or yes, I have, but haven’t had the concentration needed to compose a post. So I’ve been kind of like writing in my head, loose sentences, or partial ones, scattered subjects, with a will to say something but not enough energy to make them materialize into posts.

A few of you have sent me messages in one way or the other. I do value those messages, they were really important to me. But I’ve been lousy even at answering them.

I’m sorry.

Today is my 23rd wedding anniversary. My one and only Mr Right is at church and I’m sitting at home, tired and with pain all over, listening to the rain hitting the window. Thinking how different life was 23 years ago, on that sunny day, and how differently I thought it would go. But here I am now, and this is my life, like it or not. Should I be given a chance, I don’t think I would switch anyway.

I didn’t get the husband I thought I would. But in a sense I got something better. And equally, I don’t think Mr Right got the wife he expected. Does he think he got something better? I don’t think so. I really don’t. And that makes me sad.

He grew up with two severely disabled brothers. Being the only healthy one must’ve been rough, in many ways. But when the boys both passed away a few years ago, it was a huge blow. He never said so, but I think he felt guilty again, this time for being the only one to survive. And now he lives with a burden of a no-good, worn out wife who looks like a 70-year old instead of less than 50 and only wears sweat pants at home because everything else hurts her skin.

I’m sorry my first post after the break is so depressing. Just that this is what’s on my mind today. And these days there isn’t much I’m capable of classifying enough to put them into words. You know, I didn’t even have a clue that my wedding anniversary was coming again, and it’s the very first time ever for that to happen! I actually would’ve forgotten it totally, if my Facebook didn’t remind me! So I can’t promise I’ll write more often. I might, but probably not. But as I said, I love all the notes I have received from any of you.

-e-

Shame

January 31, 2014 · Posted in Uncategorized

It comes in all shapes, all colours, all sizes. It grows everywhere – in trees, on the ground, under the surface. It casts shadows, sometimes just lightly, sometimes blocking all the light. In some cases it gives some latitude but other times it restricts the victim so badly it’s suffocating. Even until death. It’s called shame.

My current shame (the worst one…) is sickness. It comes with several variations with different names. But the thing is – I’m not fully capable of living this life as I “should”: Work full time, take care of the home, hubby and kids, take part in social acrivities. Let me tell you: It’s not easy!

At the moment I’m on part-time disability until October, working only 15 hours a week. I’m avoiding social situations, preferably just staying by myself. Shopping, cleaning, laundry – anything – feels overwhelming to get done and having completed one task I’m pretty much done for the day. Anything more and it takes even longer to recover. I’m feeling lazy and useless. A burden to both the society and my family.

Saying “I have Sjögren’s Syndrome” (even though almost nobody knows what that is) or hypothyroidism or fibromyalgia is mostly ok. But telling them that I suffer from depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) goes beyond (my) limit. They are shameful words and label me as a failure. A mental case!

Really. Mental illnesses, even depression, are very heavily stigmatized, even today. People take it as either faking, a made-up condition – or something weird and scary that pretty much transforms the person into an alien if not something worse. Those who accept it (or try to) don’t know how to behave with the depressed person. Even if s/he was their close friend. (Not to mention employers who either don’t hire depressed people or then try to get rid of them asap.)

So, the illness leaves you really lonely: You feel isolated, you’re left alone – and because of the illness you don’t have it in you to seek contact but you withdraw yourself from people. Then add the other, “real” illnesses which too take up your strength, and you’re a lost case. I have started to perhaps understand a little why so many people take their own lives. It really is tough and often feels very hopeless.

So, that’s roughly my life at the moment. Added with financial struggle, a coming gall bladder surgery and a newly found cyst in my kidney that needs further examination. Yay. But I’m still hanging there, somehow. Day by day.

Hello world!

January 1, 2014 · Posted in Uncategorized

Not sure if anyone visits my blog anymore. But in case someone does, here’s some explanation on what’s happened here:

Last year I posted very, very little. It was a tough, rough year. This year didn’t seem to start any better – but there still are 364 days of it left, so plenty of time for improvement!

Since my posting last year was so sparse and the few posts I managed to publish were rather pathetic (to say the least) I almost decided to just quit this blog. But instead I ended up giving it one more go. I’m not up to making a new layout so the old one must do. But I’ve erased all the old posts and comments and given the blog a new name. The new name, I think, pretty well describes what my life is at the moment. I’m hoping  it’ll get better, but that remains to be seen. At the moment it doesn’t look like it would.

Maybe this blog will get better. I know the threshold for that is very low so there’s hope! I guess.

Blessed New Year to all my readers (if there are any) and friends. May this year be far better than the previous one and full of God’s presence and blessings.

-e-