Clay in His Hands

Earlier today I accidentally posted here a horsie post in Finnish. It was supposed to go to my horsie blog but the android-version of my blog software is a bit confusing. Sorry about that, if someone already spotted the post here.

The spring is finally coming to Finland, too, it seems. The snow is mostly gone. Today was a brilliantly sunny day, although still chilly and with a horrible wind. However, it was great to go to the woods at the stable and listen to all the birds sing their hearts out. And I even found two small kidneyworts starting to bloom!

I’ve been a bit down for the last couple of weeks because of the job issues. The ideas of going back and that new superior make me really nervous and uneasy. Maybe it’s that stress that had caused my Sjögren’s flare a bit – I’ve had new kind of pain in my shoulder and hands, my eyes and eyelids are itchy and burning and my head has been hurting every day (but not today, yay).

The meeting will be on Wednesday and after that my dr will briefly discuss the going back and my situation with me. I’m so tired with this stupid mess I could scream. I don’t feel able to go to work and that in turn makes me feel like a failure. Please hold me in your prayers.

Last Monday I drove up to get Miss 16 home because she was sick with a nasty stomach bug. She stayed home the entire week, which is now over already, and tomorrow she’ll head back to the dorm and school. I hate it when she leaves.

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Had another appontment with the office nurse today. I was cranky already before the appt and while there I got some disturbing news about work and had a hissy fit about it. Would’ve cried if only I had any tears to shed…

Well, I got home and was supposed to take Miss 16 to the train but Mr Right did that for me. He actually noticed I was not a happy camper and asked if it was a bad appointment! So miracles actually do happen – that was two of them: First, he noticed. Second, he asked me about it!

And that wasn’t all. Later he came to me, hugged me and said that things will sort out somehow (two more miracles!). And said that as long as he has work we would be okay even without me working. Well, I have to do something with my life. Then he suggested I’d become my own employer or something and tried to figure out what I could do. Well, I’m anything but an “own company person”, but that’s not the point but this: WHO KIDNAPPED MY HUSBAND???

He was exactly what I’ve hoped for him to be in situations like this but what he NEVER before was that he almost made me forget the whole sh***y issue. Thank you God!

I’m trying not to fret too much about the work issue before I know more about it. In the meantime I’m hoping my nurse and doc had gotten the mentioned name all wrong or that the whole thing was just a bad dream.

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It’s last of March. The snow is melting surprisingly fast and if you look carefully, you can see small buds in the lilac bushes. Even though the nights are still freezing and the days only a couple of grades above zero. The sun has been shining a lot and it’s very warm already. The pony is shedding like crazy and one of the mares is already in heat.

I’m eating a suitcase full of pills every morning and visiting either my gp or her nurse every second week or more. Last week it was my gp’s turn and when she heard my coarse voice she asked if I have a flu. I said yeah, I was sick the previous week. “Oh”, she said (grinning slightly), “Just last week? And other than that you haven’t been sick?” She was referring to me being on a medical leave for the last months. But yeah, that’s different than having a flu :P

In a couple of weeks there will be a meeting to plan my returning to work. I’m not looking forward to either the return or the meeting… Anyway, I may be due back to work in May or June, but on a part time basis, at least at first. Like a couple of short days a week or something. I could live with that permanently, because I really don’t believe I’ll ever be able to work full time again.

My pains are pretty well under control at the moment but the tiredness and brain fog spells are still there. I can do things for a while but then I crash again. And if I overdo it, I’m payin for it the next day. Like after spending eight hours at the horse fair, I was totally out the next two days even though I slept tewelve and ten hours the following nights.

I’m losing words during the brain fog attacks. Like the other day I just couldn’t figure out the word physiotherapy no matter how hard I tried. I just knew it starts with “fysi” (in Finnish) but the rest of it… no clue! It’s kinda awkward when that happens.

On a positive note, I have climbed back on the horse after a long time. I actually went (for the first time ever) galloping on a field and rode in deep snow, too. And it was fun – better yet, I wasn’t even nervous as I suspected I’d be, especially after such a long break. The pony too has become sooooooo much better than it was!

Miss 16 has been home for the easter, she has five free days. She’s been cooking alot, we’ve been at the stable and and in every respect it’s so great to have her here. Yes, she comes home every second weekend if not more often, but still. I’m really happy that she wants to switch schools after summer and continue her education in Helsinki. That would mean she’d come back home :) I’m really, really hoping they accept her there!

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I’ve been sick with a head cold, fever and a nasty headache since Saturday. Today the fever seems to be gone but the headache and the cough are still there. Of course I went to the stable with Miss 12 and was clever enough to start fighting the ice in front of the door… My arms will probably be completely out of order tomorrow but I’m hoping the fever will stay away.

Last night I had the weirdest dream. Don’t know what that place was but there was a guy who believed he was a man of God. I was in a bad shape (which actually is true IRL…) and he gave me a sort of a “treatment”. He put his hands on my shoulders and I just felt how I was filled with and wrapped by enormous, soft, undeniable love inside and out so that my legs gave in and I just floated. It was sooooooo wonderful – despite the slight uneasiness because I knew that the guy didn’t believe in the triune God: To him there was only God, not Jesus or Holy Spirit. I confronted him about that but don’t remember what he said. Then I went downstairs to take care of my dogs and sleep but was still worried about Jesus missing from the equation. Could not help but think, that even with that wonderful gift of his, without Jesus he didn’t have anything.

The dream was somehow very impressive and the love I felt seemed so real that it still keeps puzzling me!

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Another month since my last post – this is getting old! Today is sunny and beautiful – although it did snow some more today, again! I’m SO ready for spring!

Last weekend there was a camera- and horse fair again in Helsinki. That’s fun, because my brother and his kids are camera freaks and his wife and her friend are horsie-freaks, as well ass my sister’s daughter. So we get to meet at the fair and it’s a fun (although exhausting) day on many levels. The next night I slept about 12 hours and the one after that about 10 hours, had a two-day migraine and was totally wasted. But it was worth it :)

Yesterday I climbed on the pony – for the first time in almost six months or so. Wow, she’s become sooooo wonderful! I even went galloping on the field which I’ve never done before because it’s been too scary! Today I’m a bit sore here and there but again, it was worth it :) Also, Miss 12 was very happy to see me on a horse again and overflowingly proud of me speeding on the field :D

The Pony has really been one to keep me going despite everything going on in my life at the moment. And again -> to the stable :)

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edited to add: I went riding again. Longer than yesterday. Some “arena riding”, then galloped again, too, and went “deep snow riding”. Oh, I’ll be SO sore in the morning that I probably won’t be able to get out of bed :D