« PTL | Main | Did you know? »
Thinking in black and white, part 1
By eija | March 8, 2009|
This is a series of posts. You can find the introduction part here:
Self-questioning: Towards the light
I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
(Ps. 34:4)
Insufficiency
I’m starting the series with a subject that – unlike the others I’m planning to write about – isn’t a gift or a skill or something I do. A thing that for such an inconcrete thing sure does interfere with my life in a very concrete way. And let me tell you – this has been an awfully difficult post to write…
Feeling of insufficiency a.k.a. inferiority – where does it come from, what triggers it? How does it handicap me?
From my childhood I remember several situations where someone made it clear to me that I wasn’t good enough, I hadn’t performed well enough – that I had fallen short or was only mediocre in what I was trying to do. What I don’t remember was anyone confirming or encouraging me. Actually I don’t think no such thing ever happened until maybe around the time of my matriculation examination (I was 19) by my Finnish and German teachers who were thrilled by my performance in the exams.
I’ve often wondered what would I have become should I have had someone to encourage me, to push me forward. Would I have studied more, instead of just choosing the easiest way? Would I have continued with my flute lessons and maybe beocame really good with my instrument? Would I have ended up with a meaningful, inspiring career instead of this “have-to-endure-because-of-the-paycheck-job” of mine?
I know. If’s really don’t help me, there’s nothing to be accomplished through them. But I do wonder. Also this: Should my life have been different, would I be a born-again Christian today? I don’t know. Somehow I doubt it.
After my confirmation I considered myself a believer but I really wasn’t. No-one had explained me how one could be saved. I just wondered why there was “no-one” anywhere; why everything was so black and empty and why those horrible nightmares kept coming every night already when I just thought of going to bed. Three and a half months before I turned 18 someone finally told me how it happens and I gave my life to Jesus. But I still had a hard time believing that God actually loved me too. There was no way I managed to please God no matter how hard I tried. And believe me I did try! The fact that my “church” was a very strict group of fundamentalists didn’t help me a bit: They constantly made it clear to me that my things weren’t right and nobody told me that “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves” (Ephesians 2:8)
My struggle went on for years. First it drove me into deep withdrawal and depression for months. Then I left home and moved to another town for my studies and found my present church (that was a miracle in itself) and things seemed to get a bit better for a while – but my ghosts kept chasing me and finally won the battle: Slowly I stayed away from the church and didn’t come back until almost ten years later – when Miss 8 was six months old.
Coming back was a tough battle but I was determined to win it, because I knew that should I lose it I could as well put my life to an end right away. God put me against a wall a couple of times. Like when Jesus asked Peter three times “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?” (John 21:15-17) but to me the words were along the lines “eija, will you stay with me now, no matter what?” And I promised that I would, because who else could I turn to? Because He’s the One with words of eternal life (John 6:68).
I finally started to understand something about grace through a devotional book – Max Lucado’s “Grace for the Moment”. I’m still learning but that book was a turning point: I slowly started to take my first cautious steps towards “resting in Him” and stuff like that. However, there still is a small black lump somewhere deep inside me, like the lady said to me at the retreat two weeks ago.
This sore spot called insufficiency or inferiority makes me look at myself instead of Christ. It keeps telling me God has made a mistake when making me – that He gave me all these gifts but not enough skills or means or self-confidence to use them properly. It constantly tries to insinuate that God really isn’t that omnipotent – at least when it comes to fixing me…
The downhill is easily launched into full speed. I fall for comparing myself and my doings to those of others. On a good day seeing a beautiful photo lifts my spirit – but on a weak moment it just tells me how unskilled I am. Hearing a good song a friend has written makes me think of my own awkward scribblings which are just collecting dust in my folder. Someone just minding their own business when I’m around makes me think that person really dislikes me. Being in a new group of people makes me feel very awkward and totally not wanted. And this is just a fraction of a huge list of insecurities I’m carrying with me like a big, heavy, dirty backpack. I always feel different or in a wrong place, that I’m intruding.
Sometimes when the evil parrot is again yelling these things at me I manage to make it shut its ugly face. But sometimes, even if I actually realize that it’s just the parrot scheming with my imagination, it’s too difficult to beat it off and so there I go again. It’s soooo easy for me to fall but oh, so very difficult to get up again.
I’m my own worst enemy. Still, after all these years, simply taking my failure to the cross and then moving on and giving thanks to the Lord, is just too easy for me. It isn’t enough for a punishment! Many times I need God to step in in a very concrete way to be able to believe I’m truly forgiven before I manage to forgive myself.
And all this because of past hurts in my life. But still, it doesn’t justify my behaviour. It doesn’t give me the right to focus at myself instead of lifting my eyes towards Jesus. So thankfully God is “a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.” (Psalm 86:15) He patiently and lovingly helps and waits me to grow in this one, too.
Fix your eyes on Jesus. On Jesus alone. He is your strength.
-e-
Topics: Thinking in B&W
Comments Off
Comments are closed.